PSA about "Tricky People" and Keeping Children Safe
/PSA (content warning: pedophilia and keeping young folks safe)
Dear Gentle Parents,
This is one of those conversations that no one really wants to have, like talking about preventative maintenance on your car or cleaning the dryer vent. These things are no fun; they’re not so shiny. But, we potentially ignore them at our peril.
We’ve noticed recently a post going around (not shared here) that had been written by a father regarding the grooming and abduction of his young daughter. You may have seen it, too. It was a disturbing read for us, and as we discussed it, we realized that it would be wise to get out in front of this and create a well-moderated post where we can talk about this unfortunate and rather ugly aspect of human nature.
It is our hope that we can create a safe space here to discuss keeping our children safe AND honored AND empowered AND connected enough to us so as to keep the lines of communication healthy throughout their childhood; these lines of communication are absolutely vital for empowering our kids and helping them learn how to navigate these issues.
We observed that this article can make one’s hair stand up on the back of their neck; it can be a fear-inducing article. Parenting from fear has the potential to get us and our children in a heap of trouble.
Ironically, fear-based parenting could actually undermine the parent-child trust bond enough to, ironically, precipitate exactly the events we would wish to prevent. Part of our mission as parent educators and coaches is to embolden parents to make smart and sound parenting decisions from a position of love and power rather than fear.
As our brilliant member, Sarah Wolf, said, “We want to hold onto our kids, not suffocate them.”
(We have no plans, by the way, to share the original precipitating post here. And, we’d appreciate it if our members would not share it here, either. Let us, however, have a productive conversation about how we can proactively parent our kids to keep them…well…kids.)
One of the greatest built-in tools we have to protect our children is the strong mutual connection we share with them. A gentle, responsive, respectful parenting model, put into practice from day #1, is the best hedge against the risks that would lead a child to be vulnerable to so-called “tricky people.”
When we parent from the get-go with an eye toward building trust between us and our kids, we make it more likely that our children will not feel compelled to hide things from us…will not feel like there are things that they cannot tell us…and will believe us when we help them learn about the tactics that tricky people may employ. They will trust us enough to take that information to heart and heed it.
Our gentle parenting model helps us build the kind of connection with our kids that allows us to have INFLUENCE WITH OUR CHILDREN, rather than POWER OVER. The “power over” model weakens and erodes over time, while the “influence with” model actually gets stronger and stronger over time.
Another thing that can make children vulnerable to tricky people and predators is the frequent and unchecked use of rewards and praise. That’s because rewards and praise set our kids on a path to desire to please other people. If, in order to feel good about themselves, children crave approval from other people (us, for starters), they will find themselves addicted to the “drug” of approval. And, they will seek that “fix” elsewhere…from their peers as well as from people who may not have their best interests at heart. That’s another reason why we here in this group advocate against the use of rewards charts and excessive praise in favor of noticing, describing, and appreciating. (To be clear, an occasional enthusiastic and heartfelt “Good job!” is not going to send your child into the clutches of a predator!! But, there are better ways to express your enthusiasm, and using those better ways more often is what we're talking about!)
So…having that strong connection and trust bond is crucial because it’s vital that our kids trust us enough to believe us as we walk with them on the path to learning about the warning signs of people who do not have our kids’ best interests at heart or who would do them harm.
It’s important to remember that respect, dignity, autonomy, and self-determination are some of the very important emotional needs that all people—young and old—have, and when a person feels that these things may be threatened, that will potentially damage the trust bond, which actually puts a child at greater risk. So, it’s a delicate balancing act.
The article in question instructs parents to invade children’s privacy and impose strict limitations and restrictions on their kids’ interactions. And, when parents plug into their fears, the usual go-to is to try to control children, restricting their access and movements.
The backlash effect is that children feel untrusted and then go underground, lying, sneaking, and making poor decisions that may not feel good to them just to wriggle free of the controlling hand. When a child is treated as though they aren’t trustworthy, they come to believe that they’re not trustworthy and then they may try to live down to what they see as our expectations of them.
This certainly happens with younger children, and the trajectory can be tragic as the child ages into their teens.
So…we’d like to offer you some proactive guidelines to empower your kids to keep them safe even while they are being their fearless, bold, and adventurous selves:
• I AM THE BOSS OF MY BODY! (Encouraging autonomy means accepting and respecting your child’s “No!” and ensuring that other adults in their life do the same.)
• I know my name, address, and phone number, as well as my parents’ names and contact numbers, too.
• I know that “safe” adults do not ask kids for help. If an adult is asking me for my help, I know to say “No!” and get away from that person. This is true for adults I don’t know and even adults I do know. (Safe adults seek assistance from other adults, not children.)
• I do not go anywhere with or take anything from someone I don’t know. “Tricky” people behave like that.
• I always check first with my adult person so I can let them know where I’m going and whom I’m going with…even if it’s someone I know, even if it is someone my parents know. If I’m unable to get in touch with my adult person, then I won’t go. And, I will not succumb to pressure to go anyway.
• Each person’s bathing suit areas are theirs to control and no one else’s.
• I don’t have to be polite. If I feel scared or uncomfortable around someone, it’s okay for me to say “NO!”—even to a grownup—if I feel I have to. Where my safety is concerned, there is no such thing as me being rude or disrespectful.
• I don’t keep any secrets that cause me to feel scared or uneasy. And, any adult (whether I know them or whether I don’t know them) who would tell me or any child to keep a secret is behaving tricky.
• My parents are safe to tell anything to, no matter what it is—big or small.
• If I ever get lost in a public place, I can freeze and yell. I can go to another parent with kids to ask for help. I can go to a cashier in a store to ask for help.
• I will always pay attention to my Special Inner Voice, especially if I get even a tiny “uh-oh” feeling.
• I am never, ever to blame for other people’s bad behavior. My mom and dad know this, and now I do, too.
Another effective tool for helping kids learn these skills may be role-playing scenarios.
Older kids are really quite vulnerable, especially if they feel untrusted. It’s important that you—the parent—do the work necessary to ensure that there is strong mutual respect and trust (in other words, that work is YOURS to do--not your kids').
Without that, your child may feel insulted by the insinuation that you don’t think they’re worldly or savvy enough to stay safe. One way that I have found to help kids stay safe is to ask them to me how they plan to stay safe. They need to know:
• How to protect their personal information on the web and why it’s important.
• How to sharpen their critical thinking skills so they better assess potential threats online.
• About content redistribution. Sexting apps like Snapchat promise to delete content by a date you request; however, if a user screen-shots the content they own a copy of it. Socially shared images have had disastrous consequences for teens. You and your teen can look into recent news stories (for example the Steubenville or Maryville rape cases) as a learnable moment for both of you. Once posted online, content can be dangerous.
• How to identify safe sites and unsafe sites.
You don't need to be an expert on these things; you and your child can research these things together so that you both are on the same page, and you're not handing down the information from on high. . . Again…they need to know that they can trust YOU to discuss things…that you won’t freak out, that you’ll be helpful and open. The way they learn that is by the everyday interactions you have with them…the little things that add up. The quality of the connection you share with your child is something you will want to be conscious of every day and critically assess whether this interaction you’re having with your child right now is leading to more trust or could be eroding the trust you have.
Warmly and with love,
Marji